clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
