Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
