I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
