the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
