dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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