it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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