Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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