This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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