I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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