We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
