you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We need to rekindle our bromance
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
