Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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