all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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