Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
