you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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