I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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