SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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