I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
