It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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