Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
