I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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