i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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