Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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