How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
