So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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