I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Nobody cheats on THIS.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
