Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
