he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
