I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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