wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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