Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
