Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
