I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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