ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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