She announced her abortion via fbk
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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