Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
