he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just invented taco cereal.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
