I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
