My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
