wanna go halves on a baby?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
