Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
