If that was your dad, he is hot
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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