I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
