theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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