i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
