I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
