first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
