Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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