You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
