I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wear drunk well.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
