Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
