dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
