if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
