I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
