"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
