I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
