hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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